Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Frequently Asked Quotations

I've decided to give my loyal readers some shenanigan fun. In this essay, you will see things FFN writers say, what others think of FFN, what smut writers think of themselves and more. All the quotations are real and documented, but anonymous. Don't take it too seriously and enjoy. Some points may look outlandish or even offensive, yet I am not posting to disagree, just to inform and make funny.

Italicised commentary should give you some background if any is necessary. The outline is below.

1. FFN members about FFN
2. Non-FFN members about FFN
3. Smut posters about FFN

1. FFN about FFN.

"They can delete our stories, but I for one will never submit to their rules!!" The novice FFN writer mantra.

"Whatever you have to say will not make me change my fucking mind!" The updated mantra, having met the administrator

"You win. I removed all my stories." No novice mantra left. The member gains experience by leaving.

"Are there really people out there who want to read stories with absolutely no angst? :-o Where's the fun in that?" Notice the limited imagination of the amateur writer.

"We aren't really doing anything to make fucktards out of ourselves." And denial.

"When did FanFiction.Net change their logo?" The confused user takes a moment to gawk at the screen instead of reading.

User A: There's a website called petitionspot.com I think... we might be able to start one there and if we keep coming back and signing it...
User B: it might just work
User C: We already have a petition on that site for script format!
User D: what is script format?

Thus the literary knowledge of fan fiction writers is explained.

"I WANT A JAPANESE NAME THING TOO!!!!" Behold the member's other interest.

"As for the whole grammer thing, I think it's idiotic." Considering the word is 'grammar', difficult to disagree.

"Yes, fanfiction.net is broken. DO NOT PANIC." You can't worry about what is broken by default.

2. Non-FFN about FFN

"We NEED a plan to take these FUCKERS down." An aspiring Fiction Press writer, having heard of FFN's monthly traffic.

"FanFiction.net is one of many pus-filled boils on the tender ass-cheek of the internets. This site is a battle-ground between Animu fantards, yaoi Nazis, furfags, emo fucks, and 16 year old girls." A reputable encyclopedia writer fizzles during the analysis.

"Over 9000% percent of all stories contain fancharacters, or characters from the show/book/movie acting like complete dipshits." Factual references with a marginal mathematical error.

"Careful, dear! Their fics have disclaimers longer than the story!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT UP! NO WAY! OMGGGG!" The published author, having found out they have a fandom on FFN.

"FanFiction.net has the fourth highest average time spent per user. That’s right, they beat out Facebook, MySpace, Google, Yahoo! and MSN." Unlike Facebook and Google, most parental locks just bypass FFN. All roads lead to Rome and all stories trace back to FFN.

"The average user spends over seven and a half hours on this website a month and logs in more than 34 times." The average typing monkey spends seven hours divided by thirty-four on each story update, which explains the quality.

"This is a continuation of a story of mine that got deleted off fanfiction.net. It has more connection to the book than the movie but you should be able to follow along pretty well. I think it's the first fic on here? anyway, summary=sucks, story=good, you=read." One wonders why a bad summary does not work outside FFN.

"I just checked out that like and OMG! people like that have too much free time on their hands." A concerned mother, wondering if her child is in danger of losing her social life to FFN or is everyone just as screwed.

"What's to stop people from reporting their own fics, posting a duplicate of their story under a different account and claiming plagiarism, or vaguely alluding to other suspicious dramas that are unable to be verified in order to boost their popularity?" The unbeatable formula for instant popularity, patented on LJ.

"Do these people not have jobs? Do they not have lives?" Shakespeare on FFN.

"Good riddance to FF.net." The quitter's mantra and entry gate to Fiction Press.

3. Smut on FFN

"I like to think I have pockets of intelligence, and even I spent over a year not realizing that M did not equal MA." Ego, first. Information, later.

"As you can now see, I am a fucking pro at this shit now! But fuck its hard work, I stopped partway through a second thingy and now I need a cup of tea and a lie-down.

Love, love!" An experienced smut writer at a social gathering.

"If you were going to start your own fanfiction site...what would you name it?

So far I've got -

fanficoutlaws.net" Notice the addictions of an experienced smut writer on FFN.

"I love her warnings...makes me want to read it even more...makes me feel baaaaad....yep, I'm one of those people..." A hardcore adrenaline junkie desperate for shenanigans.

"But this Edward Cullen mother fucker, who the hell is this pretty sparkling mother fucker and why is he getting so much pussy (and ass? Only dorky Jedis with crippling social phobias who never shower deserve that shit!) and having all these stories written about him? And it's just sad and pathetic that women read this shit, right? Because porn is for men! Young girls don't need to realize that they deserve orgasms (because men would have to bother to give them!) and older women are just old and therefore shouldn't want to do anything other than cook and clean! Written erotica about Edward Cullen and his sparkly co-horts will be the downfall of modern society unless...." Freud's analysis of smut writing.

"Let's face it..it's graphic sex but it's about love." Freud is baffled by the skewered perception.

"Seems to me that someone who has stories about a gay vampire following a guy is not in the position to talk about violating the terms fo use!" Violation brings violation of a different kind just like lightning energy is transformed into burning trees.

"At that age, those women need at least to read about sex because they ain't getting any. It does things to the mind." Freud's scientific conclusion of a smut writer's psyche.

More to come! This list is eternally open for business. Be sure to place Your favourite quotes in the comments.