Monday, 13 July 2009


You might have noticed that I've taken good care of the M-rated section. I haven't gotten anything removed for Your significant pleasure of witnessing those stories in live.

This publication will explain what is right and (mostly) wrong in the top-rated section of the site. Though, I'm going to stall for a few paragraphs with theory.

What is this M rating? It's something youngsters can read once they turn 16.

What's so cool about it? It's the only rating on the site that allows using the word 'fuck' more than once per chapter (VERY old rule). It allows writing make-out sessions for hours and even some discrete intercourse. Yeah, and it gives you the opportunity to use an almost unlimited variety of violent scenes. Since it is Sonic the Hedgehog we're talking about, the rating means that you can describe Sonic's mutilation until he is a piece of meat. Weaponry or hitting are in order. Death by rape is NOT included. That's MA, along with other sickly or demented things.

What is the downside? There are a few. One is funny. Here's the not so funny one: since readers are, NATURALLY, aged 16 and up. OF COURSE their standards are higher than of those that dwell in the K+ section and you are required to include your greatest efforts to keep everything natural and detailed. No room for 'Sonic died from being hit by Eggman's belly' here. The excruciating pain must last for at least three lines on a regular HTML-rendered screen. Only M-rated parodies can make it unrealistic, in my opinion. Other stories, especially humour that is NOT tagged as a parody, must abide to the same rules. The funny con: authors who write M-rated fictions are NOT always of proper age to read them. Consequently, they are legally unallowed to proofread the work once it is typed up.

NATURALLY, this leads to SOME quality LOSS. And that's what this post is about. Let's pick a few random stories from the updates page. We're looking for keywords like yaoi (them writers are scared of the word homosexual) and lemon (acronym for Lust EMancipated Online).

Question: have you noticed most 'yaoi' writers are girls who preach their own heterosexuality?

I'll make a few unrelated comments by quoting the chapter in question.

Let's start with what's on top today. Unstable Love by Sonika23.

"Warning: This story has multiple sexual scenes in every chapter. If you are under 18, hit the back button before you get scared for life!" This author is unable to distinguish M and MA. I call it the A blindness.

We find out in chapter one that the author is a liar. There is only one truly sexual scene there.

"That beautiful yellow kitsune had nice legs, a firm butt, sweet smelling feet, and probably a large dick." Take notes, people. 'large dick' is an essential ingredient of beautiful.

"Sonic began rubbing his crotch while watching that beautiful kitsune kick off his shoes and swiming on the beach." Swiming indead. Double-m, dear M writer. I don't know what is up with this scene. Sonic has foot fetish. That is...normal? Beautiful is the code-word here. (read: used often)

"After several hours of sunbathing both Sonic and the mysterious fox packed up and left the beach." Sunbathing = foot fetish.

"Sonic soon went into the changing room and took care of his erection." Utterly utterly hardcore. He's been sunbathing for hours and now he really does need a few band aids. Sexual violence is masochism here.

"Later that night Sonic went to sleep in his bed at his house and started to have an erotic dream about Tails." Notice the word 'erotic'. I don't know why I hate it, but I do. This may have something to do with the fact that it's used everywhere and is daft unoriginal, but we'll call it a mystery. The author spares no effort on hiding lust. Not a very good idea, you know. When you promise readers same content in every chapter, wouldn't it get boring and predictable?

"Sonic was on top of Tails kissing him passionately while Tails was returning every last kiss back. Soon Sonic pressed his tongue against Tail's lips begging for entrance. And sure enough Tails parted his lips and let Sonic's tongue into the little fox's mouth and explored his moist cavern. They both moaned and melted into each other's kisses as the sexy blue blur grabbed Tails' ass. Finally the hedgehog broke the kiss as both partners gasped for air."

I admire this paragraph for no reason. I guess that's because it's the second largest paragraph in the chapter. Let's analyse. 'while Tails was returning every last kiss back' Hold on, Sonic, I want to return back that last kiss Back is key. What I found dull is that the author went directly to French kissing while regular ones offered no pleasure. I don't know...usually when you are in a heated mood, everything excites, and a bit of self-teasing makes the rest more delicious. Personal opinion, the author knows better, NATURALLY. 'Cavern' is cute when you're six. Everyone loves some exploring. Even the spoonerism 'explore every crook and nanny' (nook and cranny) is better than cavern. I'd feel scared if someone's mouth felt like a cave.

'the sexy blue blur grabbed Tails' ass' Note this. Utterly important. The blue blur was sexy. You can't skip on that word while writing cheap porn. Anyone heard of 'sultry'? Anyway, it's the ass grab that my brain flipped at. Groped, maybe? Grabbed...'mine! *takes away ass*'

'They both moaned' Okay, you moan in a feminine way without losing oxygen or breaking the kiss. It was broken afterwards. Boys...

"Sonic then started kissing Tails' neck and then adding some licking and sucking action on it." Buy now! Sonic with 'licking and sucking action'. I know this was done to offer a replacement for 'a then started licking and sucking', but the author could have just skipped 'then started' or added 'began'.

"Sonic grabed through the yellow fur and pulled out the fox's cock and balls." It was hidden. That fishy had to be pulled out of the pouch. Why do I have a feeling it would NATURALLY hurt?

"Sonic grabbed Tails' large throbbing cock and started to lick it slowly. Tails moaned and screamed from the teasing. Finally the hot steamy hedgehog put his whole mouth around the huge cock and sucked at super sonic speed while at the same time rubbing those beautiful legs that Sonic adored so much." How many synonyms does 'cock' have? What happened to the good-old 'member'? I can imagine the screaming due to tease. Also violent. 'sucked at super sonic speed' like a vacuum cleaner. Owie! 'Beautiful' returns, too. No comment about the hot steamy hotdog. It's clear, you know, seeing steam appear over Sonic.

"He was going to remember that dream for years to come." No, really? I know...if one sticks to a single night illusion for years, one leads a sad life.

Let's not waste more time on this story. Having spotted the word 'fetish' in the next chapter, I considered it inhuman to post such content here.

As promised on my portfolio, here is The Den by pantedgieQueen13. This story can be found on the bottom of a really long profile.

The hard parts begin with Sonic saying this:

“Yes really. Now, let’s hop into bed and act on our feelings, shall we?” And it's the first time I see Sonic saying 'shall we' instead of 'yeah' or 'let's party'. Too much Bruno from Austrian Gay TV can turn anything OOC.

"Sonic’s dick was huge, and it dove into Tails’ ass rather nicely." Is the next fine line. The image of something large diving nicely is only obvious. I wouldn't want to guess how big was the space for all that flesh to fit in. Poor virgin Tails. His machines must have done something bad to him.

"Tails laughed as it went in, not recognizing the feelings he was experiencing." Masochist again. Ever noticed it's popular to enjoy and idolise pain in homosexual fan fiction? No wonder such people are deeply disappointed by their first attempts at making love.

"His muzzle by now had turned a permanent pink from his constant blush." Fur changes colour when a fox blushes. It happens! Don't laugh!

"The hedgehog smiled sentimentally and began to nip at Tails’ neck, putting himself all the way in again. Both males hadn’t really experienced this much passion, and so they came to their tops quickly." Just a few lines down. Sometimes, a person cringes reading this crud. Not only is this so painful it becomes fairly bloody, but the 'pleasure' ends within a few lines. Truly sentimental amateurs. It's beyond me how sentiments were even possible at the time.

“Do you remember now?” Tails gasped as Sonic preceded to lick the semen off himself like a cat would. “What Robotnick did to you?” It would all be acceptable if everyone considered it. For some reason, I don't think the author knows the consequence of this action. Typos is one (Robotnik). We can conclude that the sex was Eggman's fault. Poor Sonic's brain...scrambled into an AIDS-delivering machine.

He whispered. “Pain is in the past. Pleasure is now.” And this is the ending line. I don't know...the 'queen' that wrote this probably doesn't know the real pain comes later. Sonic became a liar.

This should be enough rambling to discourage small teens from writing this way. You seriously look positively silly when it comes out less than proper. It rarely ends up proper, because this is a public site for kid fiction. Nobody was meant to write for a mature audience here. The ones that do...just add sex in the end of a chapter and it speaks for both content and length: it is The End of a chapter. It is read faster than foreplay lasts in broken families. Why don't they go to an adult site is beyond me. It's only damage anyway - if they start believing what they write, the first date might end up a disaster.

What makes me laugh the most is that teenage girls vent their hormones writing gay stories. I've asked a few authoresses about this and the response was identical every time 'it's cute and special'. Males tend to feel the same about lesbian stories. But seriously, how can a female ever write about the things she'd never experience for her anatomic structure? I'm willing to bet all of this comes from a few movies, pictures and a really light conscience. To show how 'light' everything they write is, I've made the tiny collage below. The content is taken from The Den's chapter one.

hidden behind a trashcan. What luck!
the kiss didn’t answer that
Sonic, being the caring older brother figure he was, could see this.
Stupid, stupid stupid! He knows now, you moron!
The hedgehog smiled sentimentally
“…you love me?!”
Sonic’s dick was huge
“Guilty as charged, then.”
“Wait, you…”
it dove into Tails’ ass
“Will you…do me a favor, Tails?”
“I can run,” he mumbled in protest.
What he got was a surprise attack.
“No,” panted Tails.

Now you know: Tails hates rape. And tea.


The amount of misrated adult content is simply ludicrous on the site. Sure, I can't pay attention to every story, but this one I've gawked at for a while. For a few reasons:

1. It was difficult to read.
2. Reading was a masochistic experience.
3. It had OOPC (out of physical character) Shadow.

No more stalling! Here's the link.

I'll just put a tiny extract that is the cusp of the story's glory.

"Meanwhile, in the hedgehog's room, Sonic was being filled again by Shadow's massive 14 inches (HOLY SHIT!). He would go forever if he could."

A bit of math. Shadow is exactly 100cm or 3'3" tall. 14 inches is about 36 cm. Shadow is short, yes? Let's convert it into an average male's height. We'll assume it is 1 metre 70 centimetres or approximately 5'7''. A human being is 170% of Shadow's height. Regarding all healthy proportion, we multiply 14 inches by 170% and have about 24 inches. Therefore: were Shadow human, his pride and joy would be greater than most women at approximately 70 cm!

Need I comment? What kind of vast space must Sonic have to fill, if all of this can fit in? Were it Tails, you can easily guess it would have gone straight through his brain.

And that comes to show you: sex on steroids is lethal.

I've been curious to know what's going on in the head of a generic adult content submitter. Funnily, an opportunity stumbled upon me in a very convenient way. Here is a LIVE CONVERSATION with a person that writes M(A).


This short conversation shows an insight to the confusion such people feel while writing adult content. Besides, it proves my point that the writers lack actual real life experience.

Don't do crack! Especially the cheeky type.

Thursday, 9 July 2009


Today's been sad on the updates board.

Legal nihilists are skipping like bunnies in Australia. Songfics, author's note chapters, interactive entries, and last, but definitely not the least, chat format.

The first two are general ignorance factors. People just generally nod off to whatever is given to them. 'Sign this' and they do. Does it matter that such deals lead to semi-legal human trafficking? Of course, not. A thirteen-year-old doesn't read. Yes by default. I'll just cite a review reply to make it easier to understand.

"Thanks for explaining that to me. I didn't really know that songfics were
banned. Oh, and ust so you know, a lot of people use "Sonikku" when writing a
romance using Sonic."

I'm generally amused by how simple the writer must think the critic is. With an account as old as mine, I would be stupid not to know Sonikku spreads like AIDS overnight. Back to the point, though.

"Copying from a previously published work (including musical lyrics) not in the public domain" is a quote from the guidelines. The administrators made writers accept them over and over on a monthly basis. How can you not know what rules you accept? One thing I can say to those people: See you in a public building!

I know accepts song-based fictions provided more than half of the text was created by the writer. Hadn't bothered to check other sites. Fan Fiction dot Net banned them completely. Though, you could admit the rule is a tad 'formal' and can lead to misunderstandings.

Is it wrong to write a song? No. If you wrote that, or a poem, it can fit perfectly into a story (or be a story on its own).

So what songs are banned? By default, anything that is not yours. In my view, any commercial song. There are so-called amateur creatives. Some people don't make lyrics for profit, and they can be aired on real radio stations without paying copyrights institutions any tax. Though, that's just extra.

The notes part is rather obvious. Also from the guidelines: "Non-stories: lists, bloopers, polls, previews, challenges, author notes, and etc." Sadly, I don't have a reply ready that states they didn't know about this rule. Usually, they just do a five-minute copy/paste to place the chapter back. I guess it's not needed to write an excuse. Rewriting a songfic into something decent takes more time for the report factor prevention.

Now we get to my favourite peeves. I have a mall-wide variety of replies on interactivity and script here, but I'll only post a few. Let's concentrate on current issues and save time. Coincidentally, the issue of interactivity and chat format bounces into one fad: truth or dare entries.

Before we begin, I want you to think why script format was banned in the first place. Official messages say one thing, but I'll tell the practical reason: quality. When a small teen writes a script, it rarely differs from what you'd see in MSN chat windows. Sometimes the script is taken directly off a chat window or an RPG forum. Let's have a live example.

"Jack: I know how to make Chaos suffer! (uses a mop to break apart Chaos, then scoops it up in a bottle, has Eggman drink it, and then has Eggman go to the bathroom, sending Chaos to the sewers)

Eggman: Ugh…that did not feel good coming out of my bladder!"

Do take a while to stroll through and analyse. This is an obvious case of bathroom humour, which is considered one of the lowest comedies used only by amateurs who think with their lower regions. Stating simply: it's stupid and disgraceful. Such an entry does not look good on a literary site. However, it's only the tip of the iceberg.

Putting up such content gives the site a bad name. Coincidentally, those that post entries of this kind reduce the domain's authority. It loses face. Fiction Press authors openly laugh at those 'stuck' with Fan Fiction dot Net, as the domain is 'riddled by fools'. Sadly, when submissions like the one above are posted, it proves the critics right. What is scary is that these monstrosities get the most reviews.

What is scarier, it motivates review whoring and copying. New writers are inspired by content, which is against the rules and is of greatly lower quality than offered prose. Cancer, dear readers.

This, consequently, covers up script, but not interactivity. Why is it banned? Simple. Some authors use their own heads to write a story from beginning to the end. Others make a collaboration to pool intelligence together for an original work. Co-partnerships are not interactive, as they are hidden from the public during production. Interactivity, however, is different.

INTERACTIVE entries REQUIRE the public's HELP TO CONTINUE POSTING. This occurs when the author is unable to write a submission on his or her own. The public is forced to compensate for the disability. While doing so, the community concentrates on giving input so much, they forget what reviewing is all about. Moreover, because the amount of pseudo-reviews increases over time, the author has an increasing amount of people demanding a part of the story. This leads to really messy situations, as I have yet to see an author capable to control the flow of information once interactivity was begun. Putting it simply, having absolutely no idea of how a story is supposed to look in the future, since it depends entirely on the readers, the original uploader becomes a plagiarist. Some 'cleverer' uploaders become selective to pick out only some readers' ideas, which turns interactivity into a lottery. Everyone is lured by a chance to win - have their ideas used in the production. However, because their thoughts are 'inferior', they are shunned and become a victim of false advertising. Interactivity is scamming readers.

It is also against writers' sportsmanship rules. When a whole community is involved in the making of one random humour collection, stories that have far greater quality and added value are shunned, because reviewers are busy with something else. It even ruins the impetus to write. 'Why should I bother to write paragraphs myself, when I can have someone else do the dirty work?' No wonder authors who feel low quality fiction is overrated on Fan Fiction dot Net leave and express their talent elsewhere. Sadly, idiots don't leave. They are too dumb to understand the harm they are doing.

For a mosquito, it's essential to feed on human blood. Parasites, dear colleagues, have fun at whatever expense. Only when they are put down peace ensues.

I've had a rather fruitless discussion on this matter with someone with a long pen name.

Firstly, I wanted to understand why are people writing garbage, from a garbage writer's perspective.

"Well Lord, since you asked so nicely... what ever motivates people to write any fanfiction. The need to write, to bring laughs, to just make others happy. For Sonic Truth and dares, seeing mush hated characters put through alot of horrible, terrible pain and suffering for laughs. Violence and seeing others in hiliarios pain is theroputic and relieves stress for both the writer and the reader. And if your being sracastic about them being fictions, tell me one real life senario where a two tailed is being launched into space to be attacked by polar bears under the sea."

The need to write...Hmm 'I wanna write something stoopid today! This site will accept me, because stoopid is kewl'

Seeing hated characters in pain... 'I am a fan. I do not lack fandom. That is why I will make the fictional universe members suffer.' This pretty much ruins the idea behind fan fiction. Instead of showing care for the series, little teens vent their hidden sexual frustrations on hurting imaginary creatures. Violence, dear colleagues, doesn't pay. It only shows how monstrous one's psyche is to the public and encourages more violence. Killing in games does cause actual murder, I'm afraid. So the health benefit is clearly overrated.

I couldn't even understand the rest of the text. I attribute that to a very specific mindset of a rule-breaking submission writer. The words that come to mind are: stubborn, ignorant, short attention span, ill-witted, unbalanced, rude, closed-up, defensive.

The next message only assured my worries.

"For Grammer well... I guess we are not up tight about that I guess... Also, again about the pain, why do you think half the stuff on youtube is? People getting hurt. Besides, since we are causing pain on some of the worst written characters in video game history, and they are not real, we can all laugh without feeling sorry for them."

Notice how this same person cannot spell grammar and calls it 'not being uptight'. Add careless and disrespectful, nihilistic to the list. Studies showed that those who disrespect their language are more prone to criminal activity.

Causing pain is the issue again. I find it moronic, colleagues. If you hate something so much, why write about it? Again, I am definite that this is a hidden sexual frustration release vector. These pubertal teens are merely jacking off their way. We can also see the fundamental consensus error here. The person thinks that others participating in this activity makes it forgivable. With all due respect, no matter how many idiots say that 2+2=5, it will not be this way. When ten people break the law, all of them are guilty. Think about those that joined the Nazi party.

"Most TaD fics are written as they are simple because it is easy to read. This makes it easier to have many characters talk at once then having to write (insert name) said, "blah, blah, blah." Also makes it easier to surprise the reader with a joke. The way it is written is as close as possible to visiale humor possible for a written work anyway. Also, having to check ever little detail of grammer for over 1,000 word chapters is exteremly hard and would push back when chapters can be published. For serios works, yes, grammer is inportant, but for the much sillier and far more relaxed TaD fics, it can be forgiven."

I didn't count the number of typos in the next note.

Ladies and gentlemen, we come to the most astounding conclusion. Script authors are hedonists! Going for the low-end easier way, not wishing to excel, because it is 'hard', 'difficult', 'takes time'. And because of this, it's totally forgivable! Yes! 'I aim to be a murderer. It's only bad for normal people to say it, but not for me.'

These people just don't want to try, and taking the submission, from which I've extracted my example, we can see that the author neglects on other writings for sillier random issues, thus proving my point.

Finally, it allows them to 'write' 'faster'. Surely, it takes less time to build a doghouse than a regular home. Of course, the end result is that you can't live in a kennel. This is the option random chat writers give the reader. Chat kills. Use prose and save lives. Besides, reading stupidity kills your brain cells, so you can wave to those authors for reducing general intelligence.

This review board has turned into a chat room...and nobody even bothers to write a genuine review, because it's not the easiest way out.

What is sad is that I've appealed to those authors to write something proper and inspire newcomers with proper style and language. I have never received a reply.

Good day and good luck!